My 25th college reunion was set to place place this Autumn. Among those I'd looked forward to seeing was a friend since high school whom I'd grown closer with during our years living under the same roof in college.
Proximity And Time
My friendship with C began innocuously enough in advanced track science, math and English courses during high school. He was less raucous than the other members of the football team, a shy introvert whose mumbled answers in class revealed a sharp mind. I performed Cole Porter show tunes for nursing home audiences and danced while balancing a bottle on my head in our production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Despite this "Odd Couple" beginning, years of time spent in classrooms and AP Chemistry study groups set a foundation for a solid friendship. When graduation arrived, C was our class valedictorian. I ranked third academically. We both headed off to Stanford and the future.
In college, C majored in Chemical Engineering, which was considered to be the most difficult undergraduate major. I studied Human Biology as part of a longer-term plan to become a physician. Our junior year, C and I (along with another high school friend) entered the college housing draw as a group, which further deepened our friendship.
Ebb And Flow
Our paths diverged. I pursued medicine. C followed a research career path, obtaining a Ph.D in Chemical Engineering, founding a company that ultimately did not gain traction, and eventually settling into a biotech administrative role.
Over the years we'd connect at intervals, confiding struggles, revelations, sharing victories. We attended weddings, touched base while visiting parents over the holidays, and shared phone calls that felt like we were still living down the hall from one another in college. The formerly shy introvert learned to articulate his feelings, and our communications felt more genuine over the years.
A friendship that began bound by a shared history matured into a trusted source of advice and insight.
Cue Yesterday
When our reunion was canceled due to COVID, many of our updates moved to an online restricted access site where classmates could share a one page update. I found C's page, and could not believe the photo he'd shared - he was wearing the same jacket he'd owned as a 21 year old college student.
Still laughing, I phoned him up and called him out on the ancient wardrobe - softening my chiding tone after confessing that I, too, still owned a couple of jackets from our college days.
Instantly, we were chatting as if we were 21, living in a communal house, only the challenges had changed. He'd reached a level of recognition in his smaller company, and had planned to stay in his current job, dialing back his work commitments in favor of engaging outside interests he'd deferred for decades.
The problem is that he was on the verge of being offered a role in a much larger company with greater responsibilities (and a commensurately increased time commitment) which would preclude following through on those other interests.
Drawing on my education in Human Biology, Erik Erikson had defined one of the psychosocial stages we struggle with as generativity vs. stagnation. C was having trouble identifying whether stagnation lay in taking the bigger job and foregoing his extracurricular interests, or in staying with the comfortable job and avoiding a potentially interesting work challenge.
C felt burnt out on work, and was looking to reallocate his time. Our reunion and the COVID pandemic had underscored that he doesn't have infinite time remaining to pursue other interests, and his personality doesn't settle for pursuit short of mastery.
Adding to his professional concerns were his worries about the market, where the bulk of his retirement nest egg was invested. He was concerned that the schism between the market and the economy were warning signs of a volatility that could erode his savings. Did I have any thoughts about finances and retirement, he asked?
We Had A Wonderful Time
It was deeply gratifying to reconnect with an old friend in a time of isolation. It was validating to witness that burnout is not limited to careers in medicine. I hope I was helpful to my friend as a resource, having faced the big questions he was struggling to answer with similar resolve.
If you are navigating a personal or professional crossroads and seek assistance, I'd be grateful if you'd consider my burnout coaching service. Thank you.
Comments 5
Nothing like a good friend in time of need. I did the generative route. Our group lost the hospital contract when I was 57 and I wasn’t ready to retire but neither was I much interested in a never ending stream of gun shot wounds and 3 am C sections at some other hospital. We built a surgery center in my same town and went into competition with the hospital and I worked another 8 years. It was an amazing and successful business challenge taking an enterprise from 0 to 100. By the end I was ready to go. I needed time to Roth convert. Both me and my partner sold the practice to corporate medicine to protect the integrity of the surgery center, worked as employees for a couple years and retired within 3 months of each other and never looked back.
Author
It’s rare to find a friend you can also build a business with – those are two often differing sets of requirements for both, so kudos for finding someone who could jump through both hoops for your second wind in anesthesia.
I read stories like this one and wonder if perhaps I’m meant to build something, only it’s outside of medicine. I’m ten years junior to the age you were when you lost your contract, and I feel like there’s something on the horizon I’m still trying to catch sight of.
There are plenty of things to do. If you get a big enough nest egg all you need to male are expenses. You are right I was very lucky with my partner and he was lucky as well.
Author
“and he was lucky as well”
No doubt about that.
“.. personality doesn’t settle for pursuit short of mastery.” I feel your friends pain. What tough times these are. Glad you were there for him to talk to.