This summer, we decided each kid is getting $20 a month to spend on whatever they choose. One kid went to a favorite chain restaurant and ordered a sandwich online in advance using an e-coupon.
Another went to a meal with a friend, did not order online, was unable to use the coupon (it was only available for online orders) and unwittingly ended up spotting a friend (who is not constrained by a similar budget) several of those precious dollars.
This engendered a thoughtful discussion about how to navigate meals with friends who might order appetizers or drinks we don't partake in; how to set expectations in advance, or mitigate the damage when circumstances are beyond our control; and what each kid considers the most valuable way to spend.
Does value lie exclusively in the rare treats you can buy yourself? Is there value in spending your money in the company of close friends? Is there value in spending on a friend to show you care?
These thoughts were percolating recently when I was at the local library casually perusing the personal finance section. Mostly, I do this to check if Bill Bernstein has published any new books. He had not, but I spotted a copy of Ron Lieber's The Opposite of Spoiled on the shelf.
Lieber is a columnist at the New York Times, and his columns tend to be thoughtful and resonant with the first world problems faced by higher income families.
This book was written when his daughter was 9 years old and he was facing the problem so many physician families struggle with: How do I raise a righteous and responsible kid without creating a brat bred in a bubble?
The question was an interesting one.
Lieber is a master of the well-deployed anecdote, and this book is full of instructive (occasionally maudlin) tropes, including but not limited to:
- The immigrant mother who moved to the US to work as a nanny caring for a wealthy family's daughter, and ultimately sent her own 3 daughters on scholarship to the tony private school where the family she worked for sent their child.
- The wealthy family who raised such a conscientious child that when the child suggested they downsize their ginormous McMansion, buy a smaller home and donate the difference to charity, the parents did precisely that.
- The son who survived an austere childhood where dad never told him he loved him, only to discover on his father's death that dad was secretly a multimillionaire who could have made his upbringing far less Spartan. The son, now a father in his own right, struggles to find the balance between deprivation and comfort for his own kids.
These stories are both a strength and weakness of Lieber's writing. They strike a nerve, yet he is quick to avoid passing judgment lest he alienate the wealthy families that are the most likely to buy his books.
Having said that, there's plenty to learn from his book. A few gems I considered worth plucking for my own parenting arsenal:
- When your teen is old enough to drive, create a Zipcar style arrangement where they pay an hourly rate whenever they take out the car that factors in the cost of insurance, wear and tear, gas, etc. Have the kid work for the funds to pay for their car use so they learn how to allocate dollars they've earned, as opposed to spending birthday gift money that was easy to come by.
- Giving kids an annual or quarterly budget for certain items (clothes, social events with friends, etc.) allows them to learn about trade-offs. Do they purchase one new pair of designer jeans or five articles of clothing at the thrift store with the same budget?
- Establishing a routine of giving some of the money you earn or receive on a regular basis.
- The concept of applying an hours-of-fun per dollar test on spending.
- The critical difference between gauging literacy and instilling curiosity about money.
It's a quick read, and while the content seems directed at affluent parents, there's enough worthwhile moral fiber to help you raise "regular" kids who develop comfort around money.
Comments 6
Whoa, hold the horses Daddy Warbucks, you gave them 65 cents a day? What do you get them for Christmas, a new pair of shoes for the whole year? But seriously, trying to teach kids good money values and attitudes is a challenging goal. We raised three kids to adulthood using some of those techniques and especially encouraging them to work as soon as they were old enough to get paying jobs and even while in college. All three are fairly frugal now but a couple may not be planning for retirement as well as I’d hoped. We were very open about our tithing on our gross income and also other charitable donations. By the time they were college age we were open about our income and net worth. One is a very high earner, doctor married to doctor. The other two have solid jobs but aren’t in highly paid areas. I think the fact that we are multimillionaires and retired slightly early makes it hard for the two less affluent ones to discuss money with us. There is always the feeling that rich people, even parents, don’t understand the middle class day to day life, even though we raised them on middle class spending. Still all in all, I feel like we did a pretty good job on the money end of things. However I still don’t know how one ended up being a vegan?
Author
No Steveark, every year we buy them a brand new sledgehammer they can use to break great big rocks into little tiny ones. I realize we are not giving large financial lifestyle supplements with these amounts, but when they have a special need (new wetsuit; pair of athletic shoes; clothes) we come through, if admittedly in our frugal way.
It’s interesting to note how your less affluent offspring feel some discomfort discussing money with you – I get eye rolls from my oldest and continued curiosity from my youngest, and I suspect their approaches to finances will be divergent but sensible.
As a pescatarian who “cheats” on vacation or special occasions, I have no insight to offer on your vegan 😉
Is your “freedom to spend however you want”, true freedom if it comes with judgement? One kid bought a burger with a coupon. The other kid bought what it feels like to be a socially engaged adult. One kid is an 11 year old boy, the other a 13 year old girl.
I gave my kids $150/mo at age 13 that they could:
1 save some each month
2 give some to charity each month
3 spend the rest however they like
At 16 $150 became $300 plus I bought a “kid car”. At 16 I bought my own car, had 2 jobs and never made $300/mo working much less as an allowance. My teenage life was NOTHING like their lives and it would be foolish to try and impose how I managed my life on them as if it has some relevance. Today is not 40 years ago. My “job” as father was to design experiences and an environment which allowed them to fill their lives with meaning through their effort, not to impose my ancient history and prejudice upon them.
They grew up with some privilege. So what? They did not grow up entitled. Somehow they both learned to not be in debt, live within their means and make the choices which fill their lives with meaning. Their choices would not fill my life with meaning, but my choice to not impose my values upon them does fill my life with meaning.
Author
Gasem,
This one made me think so much I’ve written a post in response, coming up soon.
Appreciate the alternative perspective as always.
CD
You’ll own nothing and be happy.
Pingback: The Sunday Best (7/18/2021) - Physician on FIRE