I've been through some recent tumultuous events that made me more volatile around those I love, and in an attempt to learn new tools to manage that volatility, I'm a student all over again.
Here's a simple overview of pattern recognition skills I am trying to develop in order to ensure I get a handle on my reactions in moments of conflict.
There are three typical patterns that can describe most interactions between two people:
- Logistical
- Battle
- Empathy
Logistical mode is the daily give and take that allows the smooth function of life and maintenance of the household by ensuring balanced, fair assessments in making small decisions about what happens next. Who will drive the carpool, who will do the laundry, and who will stop for groceries mid-week on their way home from work. It is the problem-solving mode where the majority of time is spent tidying the tedium that forms the backdrop to most of life.
Battle mode (a.k.a, Amygdalas Gone Wild!), is the deeply emotional response of wanting to win at any cost and prove the error of the opposing argument. It's insistent on one correct and one incorrect approach. It's defensive and attacking. It blocks listening and precludes empathy.
Empathy is about connection and understanding. It is conveying ally status as well as a genuine curiosity about the other person, and it is a prerequisite to problem-solving.
A friend I met after he reached out as a reader of this blog taught me that in his family, when there's big emotion, they approach one another with one question, "Are you looking for sympathy or a solution?"
I've grown fond of that question and have started using it liberally in my own family interactions.
Now that I have a framework with which to categorize conflicts, ideally before they've spiraled out of control, I am hoping to be better at racing to act properly to signs of distress in someone I care about.
That appropriate move, as you may intuit, is to lead with empathy and see what follows.
Empathy can be offered, and I am also learning to make small "empathy bids," to invite the other to see things through my lens as well.
I'll keep you posted on how it plays out. Wish me luck!